There are many reasons why abuse happens. The psychology of abuse is not so black & white, however illuminating the psychology can provide valuable insight to foster compassion, accountability & get support.

• Power & Control: Being violent or abusive can be an attempt to regain power & control. If someone has felt powerless in the past because of their own trauma, they can exert dominance as a way to feel powerful. This is an insatiable cycle that can only end when empowerment is felt & sourced from within our bodies.

• Insecurity and Low Self-Esteem: You may struggle with self-worth and use aggression to mask your insecurities. Cultivating a felt sense of internalized self-worth is the antidote.

• Learned Behaviour: The legacy of abuse often runs through lineages, sometimes unconsciously and even outside of our direct awareness or experience. Yet, when stress is high and we struggle to regulate ourselves, we can become vulnerable to acting out internalized resentments/guilt/shame and pain on those who are trying to love us. We must learn to take accountability in compassionate & accountable spaces.

• Projection: We are mirrors for each other and when we cannot see our behaviours clearly and how they impact others, we will blame the reflection for how “they are making us feel”. A masterful therapist will highlight your blind spots and support you to integrate your Shadow. The Shadow is the disowned parts of oneself that can wreck havoc & create harm in our subconscious. People who abuse may project their own feelings of inadequacy or flaws onto their victims, attributing negative qualities to them, instead of looking at oneself.

• Entitlement: A disregard and/or a lack of awareness of boundaries. Believing one has a right to control others. This can be common in the socialization & privileging of males over females in society.

• Lack of Empathy: A common trait can be a lack of empathy. An inability to feel the impact of harm or understand another’s feelings. This is a critical piece & factor for working with a highly skilled & empathic therapist-like myself- who can support you to connect to & cultivate empathy, emotional & relational intelligence on the path of healing & forgiveness.

• Fear of Abandonment: You may engage in controlling behaviour out of a fear that a partner (or significant person) will leave you, perhaps just like a parent (s) once did. We may carry resentments towards our mother/father that need to be addressed.

• Denial and Minimisation: Abusers might deny their actions or downplay the impact of their abusive behaviour to avoid accountability. Accountability will be empowering.

• Cycle of Abuse: You may oscillate between periods of aggression and remorse, creating a cycle that is confusing and feel like you can’t stop the abuse, despite a part of you really wanting to.

• Social and Cultural Influences: Societal norms that condone, glamorize or overlook abusive behaviours can reinforce abuser mindsets.

• Substance Abuse: Alcohol or drug use can exacerbate aggressive tendencies, leading to increased instances of abuse & reinforcing the substance use to cope with guilt/shame. The guilt/shame needs to be felt by you & witnessed with a compassionate guide in order to come to completion in your body.

• Externalizing Blame: The guilt and shame that can be experienced yet often repressed, can have people who abuse often blame their victims or external circumstances for their actions instead of taking accountability. Shame dies in safe spaces and accountability becomes more accessible. Shame when integrated, can transforms into empathy.

As we can see, the cycle of abuse is complex and requires expert consideration & care. There is hope, however. A commitment to do the “work” to heal for you and your lineage is required. It is possible to create a new experience of yourself as heroic, resourced, peaceful & regulated to leave a legacy for you & your lineage that you can feel proud of and perhaps, inspire others too.

A commitment of ten weeks is required. A structured & step by step program where you do the work, no excuses.

Welcome to your hero’s journey.